If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
You Might Also Like
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
This came to me in a dream.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.