Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
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If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I enjoy a good short stor
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe