“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
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Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
#Caturday
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?