I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
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I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be