Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
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my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I’m being attacked 😭
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.