Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
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I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.