I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
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I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
this is uni
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.