I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.