Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?