[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
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10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle