[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
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*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Noah was an idiot.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Teach your children to beatbox
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”