Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
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The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Practicing safe sax
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.