me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
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Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
peak technology
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??