Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
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My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.