My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
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SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!