ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
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More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.