Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
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judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.