DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
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Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.