I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
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I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.