Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
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Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
good let them take over I have had enough
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.