(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
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Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.