If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
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Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.