I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
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If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?