The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
You Might Also Like
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Never be a pizza!
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)