me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
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Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?