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I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)