Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
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“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.