When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
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A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close