[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
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Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.