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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.