Why is no one talking about this?!
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Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.