British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
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I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.