Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
You Might Also Like
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Optional boss fight.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”