[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.