*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
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Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.