No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
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Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*