Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
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Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Feels like there should be a middle ground
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.