A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
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You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.