Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
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[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD