BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
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I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers