Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
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The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!