starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
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My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.