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“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
LOOOOOOL
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?