*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
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Bike for sale
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me: