i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
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I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping