Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
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Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My favorite farside!!
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.