I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
You Might Also Like
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.