Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
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Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
This is always good for a laugh.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*