EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
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Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
how high up are we talkin’?
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this