if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
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heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Meanwhile in Portland…
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper